I had the most pleasant surprise today when I got a call from Veera. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of training the new CBLC kids so didn’t talk to him for long. Hope he understands when I had to tell him that I’m busy. Sigh… But I really enjoyed and had a good good surprise from the call =) (Also, the line was surprisingly clear. I guess that the telecoms did something right after all these years…)
Other than that, I had fun talking to some CBLC people I’d missed during the vacation. Sigh, I guess it’s pretty much the end, I’m glad to have a chance to talk to them.
I do kinda feel out of it. Felt a little sian when I found that I was the only graduate person (beside Kok Keong at the library) to come at 10am. But okay, never mind, I was there already. Hmm, I did enjoy my small training session with the latecomers. Maybe I’ve just had too many orientations already and too much symbolic action and rituals class to enjoy orientations that much anymore. Okay, the last game was kinda funny but it was too long and evil for me.
And anyway, this day also made me think about my current crush (for want of a better word). I think my dreams are right after all and I should give up on wishful thinking. And come to think of it, it’s not like I know him that well. Frankly, I liked him because he is cute. Haiz. It’s a kind of attraction that is too superficial to be maintained for long. Although he is very nice, he acts nothing special to me. It’s not like there are deep flaws with his personality either, quite the opposite. But I guess there’s just something missing, that easiness in talking perhaps. I think too long about what to say. I hesitate.
It could be just the disappointment talking, I don’t know. Feeling very sian with the kind of dreams I’ve been getting. Maybe it’s because I’m a person who doesn’t usually dream yet had 2 dreams of him in the week or so. I should take my friend’s advice and either act on it or put it from my mind as an aberrant thought to be ignored and stop dwelling on it so much!
Also, maybe it’s a sign when I can’t think of anything I can ask him out for that wouldn’t bore me and/or he is interested in. On the other hand, maybe I’m not trying hard enough (re: not knowing him well enough, therefore more interest-matching required). As YJ says, a date should be something that is fun for both you and him.
Okay, on one hand, I’m thinking too much but on the other, I think that my subconscious is a lot more astute. I hate it hate it hate it hate it so much when it comes to having to read people that I’d rather trust my (oft cynical) subconsciousness to make up my mind (and it says, “nah, he’s not that into you”).
So okay, I will leave this alone for awhile. It’s not like I don’t have enough on my mind with my interview with the library. I really want to get this job. Though it would probably interfere with any traveling I can do with huey and/or XZ and/or Gerald next year.
Maybe it’ll be funny one day, many months later when I re-read this kind of inner dilemma I put myself through. For now, it just makes me sian to the power of a googol. And for anything to happen, it would depend on impulse (which is too damn unpredictable) or divine intervention. Maybe I just need to relax more, feel less anxious. Maybe take a few deep breaths. And let go.
/rant
Addendum: It has to be said. The reason why I think this might be another crush is because he has that power to make me damn gleeful but to plunge me into moodiness. Sometimes I really wish I was asexual and a-romantic so that my moods are unaffected by anyone. This is also partly why I idealize the hermit. Hahah. Sometimes I think that I just wished I was an unfeeling, cold robot-machine-thing.