Many wants

By ashke | Published: March 12, 2010

A decent computer (to game and misc stuff)
A handphone to replace my HTC Hero >_<
(Tempted to buy) an iPod after getting sick of not having a music player after loss of handphone
A pleasant weekend getaway
Muji stuff in general

Less intangible:

To maintain neater spaces
Feel comfortable in my body
Feel less tired and more free

Abstract:

To find my place in the universe.

—

In other news, one of the major cons of my mom going through menopause is that the sanitary pad cabinet is no longer stocked.

Need a resupply.

—

I hate my period. Like seriously hate it. I hate pain. It is pain. PAIN.

I’m going to have a breakout tomorrow.

—

Sometimes I feel like I’m way too uncaring or insensitive or generally brainless after I realized it. Why can’t I be perfect?

—

My friends in stable relationships are moving on to the next stage of their lives. I guess this is the time when my theory of things to come will be confirmed.

—

Why do I still feel so complicated when it’s a clear cut logical decision? I want to be good but it’s tiring to be like that. I wish I was a better person.

—

Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up any pretense of being normal and just go… wild. But I guess it means I’ll a) die young, b) live in poverty and likely lead to a), c) find it unsustainable and return to a discontented life. I said the other day that people hardly ever change. That includes me as well.

If I strip away all the things that make me, what would be left? Get rid of all my stuff, my ties and relationships, my prejudices. I wonder how marooned survivors made it… Isn’t your environment that makes you who you are? So you ask yourself, who do you want to be and what environment does it take to be that person?

So not change within but change without. I guess there are no pressures to be any different now. Ah, just wait for that mid-life crisis then.

—

These days, I think a lot about being materialistic. I quite enjoy having things and I have acquired quite a few material goods. Most of the time for various ends, other times to hoard. And sometimes just for the pleasure of owning something. It seems that ever since I earned comfortably, it’s just way too easy to spend for any reason. I don’t have any kids to support or really any future to think about (or rather, I do, my own, but it seems so far off that it can be put off). It would be all too easily explained by a gentleman called Durkheim whose central concern was that of human happiness…

Sometimes, I think sociology is one of the best things to have studied because I am the kind of person who is given to introspective thoughts… But just knowing vs actual experience creates a delicious irony of knowing all about what something is but still having little recourse. The matrix is not necessarily a bad thing. Shape form structure determine where/who/what you are. But what if the structure was never internalised as others around you have? What if it’s not possible to return to a place where those other ideas come from? What if the perfect ideas can never materialise on earth?

If suicide is a symptom of anomie, what other symptoms can there be? I was reading the history of brainwashing and I wondered about one of the stories in it. Wholehearted acceptance of a new paradigm, leaving the old one behind — leading to persecution and accusations of exploitation. These stories of rebirth of the mind, of a way of life… are they also ways to cope with anomie? Even move beyond it? Yet, like suicide, it is very little a socially acceptable way of doing so.

Or maybe it will be a disease you struggle with your whole damn life. Maybe I am just not destined for happiness and contentment. But would I give it up for happiness and contentment if I had a way? It would be insane not to. But would I find that life is oddly bland without the internal struggle? Maybe you wouldn’t even notice it has become bland. Well what does it matter? It’s something that is, rather something you can choose to be.

—

My friend asked how I was and I told him “IT Show 2010!!!!!!” I feel crazy comparing prices and specs.

—

I bought the Merck Manual on Men and Women’s Health and it included a section on pregnancy and birth and all its associated complications. All these things gross me out enough to tie my tubes. Nature is way too sneaky by tying sexual urges to something as gross as this in order to propagate the species.

—

Maybe I’m not human. Why can’t I just be normal? And love babies and shit? Isn’t it horrible to realise that you’re abnormal, knowing it and not being able to do much about it… since it arises from original causes rather than external.

—

I should really stop writing once it was past 2am. I guess only time will resolve my problems.

Posted in Reflections | Leave a comment

Sex Therapy

By ashke | Published: March 8, 2010

Another melting song by Robin Thicke. Why does he sound so good???

(Intro)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Hey yeah
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Hey yeah

(1st Verse)
Stressed out uptight, over worked wound up
Unleash what you got lets explore your naughty side
Follow me where we go, we dont need no bread crumbs
Cant you see baby youre the only one
You are my love, you are my love
Let me be your medicine
Cuz I got one thing on my mind Ill be your valentine
Spread your wings and baby fly away

(Chorus)
Its your body you can yell if you want to
Loud if you want to, scream if you want to
Just let me love you lay right here girl dont be scared of me
Give you sex therapy, give you sex therapy
Its your body well go hard if you want to
As hard as you want to, soft as you want to
Just let me love you lay right here Ill be your fantasy
Give you sex therapy, give you sex therapy

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Yeah yeah
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Ooooo

(2nd Verse)
Baby less all for you to do is let your body be
Ill lick you down and make you feel like you bout it bout it
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, the doctors here for you
Take you like Twilight I’ll bite your neck
You dont have to stay in the rain Ill get you wet, yeah
Push you up against the wall ,turn you out and turn you on
Eh eh whoa

(Chorus)
Its your body you can yell if you want to
Loud if you want to, scream if you want to
Just let me love you lay right here girl dont be scared of me
Give you sex therapy, give you sex therapy
Its your body well go hard if you want to
As hard as you want to, soft as you want to
Just let me love you lay right here Ill be your fantasy
Give you sex therapy, give you sex therapy

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa oooo
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa oooo

(Bridge)
Whoa-oh oh oh oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah
Girl its your body we can do whatever you like
Girl its your body we can do whatever you like
Its your body we can ride and rock and roll
Ride and rock and roll,ride and rock
O-o-o-OH oh oh oh

(End chorus)
Its your body you can yell if you want to
Loud if you want to, scream if you want to
Just let me love you lay right here girl dont be scared of me
Give you sex therapy, give you sex therapy
Its your body well go hard if you want to
As hard as you want to, soft as you want to
Just let me love you lay right here Ill be your fantasy
Give you sex therapy, give you sex therapy
Girl its girl its girl its your body
We can do, can do, (sex therapy) can do
Girl its girl its girl its your body
We can do whatever (sex therapy) you like
Just let me love you lay right here girl dont be scared of me
Give you sex therapy, give you sex therapy

Posted in Lyrics | Leave a comment

I’m so dumb for not backing “Coming & Crying”

By ashke | Published: March 7, 2010

Arrrrgh, I should have backed it as soon as Meghano even mentioned it!!! Now it’s going to be one of those books I really really want but won’t get >_<

Noooo…

Went and had a fun day at the Singapore Art Museum today with colleagues.

Had dinner with Joanna. It was nice meeting up with her and catch up. Yang Le got Thai married. Joanna tried to matchmake(?) me to some guy on her Facebook (hahah, okay, the abs are quite okay lah). Rating guys. Trying out clothes. Walking around. Of dolphins and Sheldon.

Although I’m quite sure I don’t want kids and feel little need to get hitched, I’m not very sure what I would want to do. I’m not sure I can take my cue from the examples around me. All I am sure is that things need to remain interesting and keep me from ennui of the sort that makes death more appealing. But I guess that won’t happen as long as I have my faculties about me and not become disabled in some way.

I seem to be able to grasp better the patterns to my energy level, moods and feelings pegged to the menstrual cycle. Sometimes, it’s such a pain being female. Why can’t I just feel the same way the whole time? And the irony is that the whole point of going through these changes is to be ready for being pregnant which I am NOT going to be if I could help it.

I also read how anorexic girls can make their periods stop altogether because their body fat went down to such low levels. Young girls reach menarche on the achievement of a certain percentage of body fat, the reverse would make sense. However, I like eating too much to try what the anna girls do. On the other hand, if it’s just a matter of eliminating body fat, overexercise can also achieve the same results. Well, either way, it just takes too much effort. Maybe if I had nothing better to do, I would try it.

Otherwise, a relatively easy measure is to take oral contraception which simulates the body in pregnancy. It’s still a pain to have to take everyday though. Hahah… you know what, I just want a damn magic pill and make all of it go away.

Hmm, but no one has done a study on the effects of not having periods have on mood. There’s a lot of symptoms to taking oral contraception (sometimes it’s even worse than being on a menstrual cycle — but varies from person to person) but is there one about people who consciously reduce their body fat in order to avoid menstruation? It would not be ideal to conduct the study on people who have eating disorders, because anorexia and bulimia may cloud the issues. I want to know because if I ever undertake this, I want to know that it actually achieves what I want (ie. having neutral and consistent mood).

But I wonder how possible it is? It would take insane amounts of exercising… on the level of Olympic athletes? And it needs to be maintained because the body likes to store fat for a rainly day, especially for women as our purpose in life is to be baby machines (evolutionarily-speaking). To make possible, it has to revolve an entirely different way of life which I don’t see myself getting into anytime soon.

Then again, I might be insane enough to go extreme adventuring one day. But again, it would be a difficult lifestyle to maintain beyond a few months. Unless the world descends into anarchy and we return to primordial times. Huh, all that to achieve no menses.

Another thing I’m quite sure about myself is that I lack the kind of discipline for world changing. More often than not, I am very content to be where I am and feel little need to change.

I was looking at the Billboard Top 100 and Robin Thicke apparently has another song out, “Sex Therapy”! I really like it, it sounds good. Haha.

Current music nowadays follow a certain beat. Very familiar across many many of them. For me, I do like it as it makes the song very catchy. And as with literature, it’s interesting to explore the variations until it’s entirely exhausted and a new fad takes its place.

I really feel tempted to buy a Nexus One and I check the exchange rates every night on the off chance that one day the S$ will be stronger than the US$ (ahahah, never happening).

I don’t know how to explain I am quite leery because of some trust issues I have. The last time it happened, it wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences so there needs to be some assurance it won’t happen again and threaten to ruin what was a perfectly good thing. Huh. I guess that does it. I guess it’s just a matter of making it known. Hey, maybe I’ve already made it known since some smartypants are so good at figuring stuff out!

When I fall asleep at the keyboard, it’s a signal I need to go sleep.

Posted in Day Out, Friends, Idea, Music | Leave a comment

Facebook, the timewaster

By ashke | Published: March 2, 2010

Sigh, I’ve been facebooking.

Why is it the things you don’t care about last the longest? RE: My ancient phone.

I keep thinking of the songs on my playlist.

I keep thinking of what I’m doing why am I doing this what am I going to do and is this what I want to do.

I need to get laid.

I still have a terrible appetite. Today I ate the McD breakfast deluxe. Gorged it down in record time and felt awful. Yet strangely satisfying as well. My craving for soup continues.

The salad in the basement of The Central is quite nice in a sour kind of way.

I want a phone now. Oh yeah, my book about the PhD taxi driver arrived today. The wrapping was pretty nice.

Maybe I’ll get a phone that’s waterproof. Saves me all the hassle as well.

I’m somewhat red from being under the sun. Sigh.

For some reason, I don’t like candy very much anymore. Biscuits yes, chocolates yes but not candy. I wonder why.

I had a plain and an egg today with a tandoori chicken thrown in. Incredibly filling. Dinner was my carbonara with mushroom soup plus smoked salmon greens.

I had my cert shrunk to size and laminated. It’s kinda cool. I like how small it is.

My old choir instructor was on the Chinese papers today! Although I only saw her back, I would recognize her anywhere. The article confirmed it…

Actually, the real inconvenience is not having my calendar with me on the phone. I feel a lot better having my to-do and appointments list on me. Sigh.

I should try to be more careful.

Sometimes, I think I am severely lacking in empathy because I can’t fathom what others are thinking or feeling. It’s as though other people are a wall I can’t read.

Or maybe I’m surrounded by people who are a lot better at reading people than I am. Being an open book probably contributes as well.

I was examining how I looked in pictures. Somehow, I felt like it was very… inconsistent how I looked. Not sure how to explain it. There are some angles I like a lot more than others. In my mind, I only have snapshots of how I look and like a jerky film, unclear of the whole. Other people probably have a better idea of how I look than I do. They see me in HD after all.

I’m very fond of my new Charles and Keith shoes. Maybe I should stock up on them… that way I won’t need to buy for several years. Hahah. They’re flat sandals and comfortable. There are 2 other colours. It’s really a pain to find good shoes. Maybe I’ll wear them day in and day out for a month to see if they’re really durable.

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I survived. OMG I survived.

By ashke | Published: February 28, 2010

I went on an overnight trip to the Southern Islands this weekend. Great fun, great people, great scenery. NO MOSQUITOES! What more can a girl ask for?

My phone died. The supposedly waterproof pouch wasn’t as waterproof as I thought. Blah. Damn.

Other than that, I had at least two scares on the water. First was getting caught in the interisland tides (Alex said it’s something called a ‘tide rise’) and second was nearly getting sucked into an eddy. Both called for fast and furious paddling — I think I gave Alex enough stories to tell about this trip liao. Hahaah. (Thank goodness I never capsized in either.) Woei Guan also filmed the former ordeal! All of them were standing on shore watching the show lor. Hahah.

The sea kayak we used felt really good on the water. The tracking is incredibly straight and I felt pretty happy about the control. I just can’t seem to go very fast (I was the straggler the whole way.) Other than my paddling technique, I suspect it may be the load as well because I took the kayak unloaded for a whiz and the speed was damn exhilarating. The control felt superb as well (much better than the stupid slalom.) The only thing was the rudder didn’t work. Since the foot pedals were for controlling it, the pedals weren’t fixed in one position and so it was kinda weird to push against it when forward paddling.

Campsite was pretty damn good. Got clean and well-replenished toilets and running water. Got huts to stay in. Got trees to climb. Best of all, got jetty that is so windy that it got pretty cold and kept all creepy crawlies away.

A lot of familiar faces on the trip — 3 star course mates, people I met on Herwin’s expeditions. Some new faces as well but, really, nobody was a stranger. I guess the kayaking community is pretty small. We had played some crazy UNO (intercept + draw until you get a card), had the nicest maggi mee and campbell soup dinner, had hi-tea at 9pm with candlelight dinner. Something about camping that makes shared meals seem special.

At first I was sleeping on the floor of the jetty but just couldn’t get a nice enough position to sleep and I finally went up to the bench where there was a handy railing to lean against. Ah-ha! That hit the sweet spot. Do you know that the running water is damn noisy? Because we were at the jetty, we were sleeping over the water and I could hear the waters change (it was the channel between the two Sisters Islands which is why the water kept running quick). Also, the barriers made eerie creaking noises… OTOH, when I woke up, I had the most wonderful view.

(Having a plastic mug is so damn handy. Can bail water, mix drinks, shower when the water pressure is low, hold stuff… Definitely goes into the must-bring item on my next camping trip.)

I must applaud Sentosa for keeping the place so clean. The toilet had running water, toilet paper and was really clean. You’d think it’s damn ulu and it is but surprisingly hospitable.

A few hours after we landed, the tide went down in the lagoon and you could see lots of life in there (hermit crabs, weird green things, plants). Hui Ling and I went down to examine it but we kinda felt bad for stepping on the little creatures so made big strides back.

There was a nice tree to climb as well, Calvin/Woei Guan took lots of pictures. Hahah.

I don’t know why but I was really exhausted when I came back. But Calvin said that I’m angling my blade too high when doing long distance paddling so it’s straining my pushing hand (since it’s raised higher than normal). Might also have been due to the scares I had since I was pumping my paddles like mad and it made for a lot of tension as well.

I hope I’m able to raise my arms tomorrow morning.

This expedition was also one of those trips where I just followed the leader. Ahaha… I only have a fuzzy idea of where we went. I know we went from Labrador Park then along to Sentosa, after which we crossed the channel to hit the Sisters Islands (did we pass St John’s? We might have). Camp there until the next day. Then set off for Kusu Island, passed a few islands and crossed channel again to Sentosa.

For my body, the casualties were: shoulders, chafing, sunburnt hands (should have brought my gloves), tenderness between thumbs and index fingers. Not too bad all in all. We will know more about muscle aches tomorrow morning.

All in all an awesome trip. Now I just wish I could paddle more efficiently and keep up with everyone. Sigh.

Posted in Kayaking | Leave a comment

Blocked nose

By ashke | Published: February 26, 2010

For some reason though I’m not ill. I finished “Nation” just now and in terrible need for sleep.

I beat my bro at the Penny Arcade Card Game 3 out of 3 times. I must have gotten a hang of it already.

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And don’t write after 2am

By ashke | Published: February 23, 2010

I was writing a reply and I went over and over again the post-post-script. One of what I wrote:

Sigh. Have you ever felt like going somewhere no one knows you and just disappear? Then you get used to life in the new land and then one day, you get restless and have thoughts of doing the same again. You think about it and the feelings just get more and more concrete until you suddenly feel strangled by the place and just want to leave again. And you do… again and again and again.

I feel terribly dissatisfied. Things just aren’t going to work out.

—

Why am I always angry and discontent? *bangs head against wall*

Posted in Rant | Leave a comment

Never after 2pm

By ashke | Published: February 23, 2010

Why do you suppose I’m awake at 1.30am?

Never drink coffee after 2pm or it’ll keep me awake all night.

I drank because I was really tired… slept at 2.30am yesterday night.

This. is. just. a. vicious. cycle.

(If caffeine affected me this badly, I wonder what other narcotics would do. Maybe I could get a full-blown psychotic episode. Hmm. Okay, maybe that’s too scary.)

One thing I notice is that I tend to feel, I don’t know… too alert? Paranoid? Caffeine does funny things to me.

Actually now that I think about it, 2pm would measure how long a cuppa has an effect on me. And if I can’t sleep until 3 or 4am, it means that one cup is good for at least 12 hours. Holy crap. I never made the connection with my 2pm rule.

Huh, I do discover new things by writing and thinking.

Posted in Idea, Reflections | Leave a comment

I don’t understand myself

By ashke | Published: February 22, 2010

And I hate it. I don’t want to have a terrible relationship with my parents but I seem to be doing things to get them to stop talking to me as much as I can. And I still keep thinking about moving out.

And if I really wanted to do that, I would start looking already but I haven’t really (except for staring at the rental sign the other day at the bus stop excessively).

Needs to be a better way to live life.

Posted in Rant | Leave a comment

The thing about Facebook

By ashke | Published: February 21, 2010

Something I’m dissatisfied with Facebook is that it is empty. The problem with social sites like this is that it’s social and the name of the game is status. The voices we hear on FB is managed presentation and there is always something missing. There is little in the way of deep truths but plenty of superficiality. (Incidentally, I don’t argue against superficiality — it’s sometimes really useful — but it’s hard to form solid bonds with others just on that.)

I think Facebook is quite a few rungs below blogging, in fact. While blogging may also be an exercise in managed presentations, it seems to me that the attention is a lot more focused on the individual. A Facebook News Feed doesn’t compare to reading what your friend wrote about his thoughts and feelings about his life. (In that way, Google Reader beats Facebook News Feed any day.)

(Okay so Facebook offers something different…)

OTOH, it’s a lot better to just talk to your friend in person. (Sigh, but I still maintain that I do a lot better by writing than by speaking.)

—

I have this thing for the tall ones (I mentioned this before). But I also have a thing for the ones who have slit eyes. Not small eyes, slit eyes. OTOH, I am also fascinated by big, clear eyes.

Hmm, I guess I like quite a bit about all kinds of man bits. But then again, how the features are put together is terribly important, of course.

One thing I’m not particularly fascinated about are legs. It doesn’t turn my on (or off, for that matter). Ahaha…

—

Anyone want to fly a pterodactyl kite? I found one at Simply Toys and it is AWESOME *channels Barney*

—

Isaac is looking for people to go to the zoo. Is anyone interested??? I am because I haven’t been there in AGES and I thought maybe some of you share my sentiments… it would be quite fun, methinks (also, I have the corporate card).

—

I wonder if making a determined effort to fall out of love is a good idea. It’s one of those things that is not about being true to yourself… But if that wasn’t the case, it would be like KK all over again. While it is something I did that was true to the end, it also seems like a pretty dumb decision all round (costing 3 years). I guess the only question is whether I could live with it.

Ah, irrationality, thy name art love.

It may be that I let my two rejections skew my views quite a bit (particularly KK’s… I guess he’s the warning of all warnings).

Sigh, I want my alternatives.

Posted in /cm/, Emotions, Internet, Random, Rant | Leave a comment

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